In this piece we get to take a look at Hollywood’s best-kept secret.

Okay, second best-kept secret:

Studios go to some lengths to keep this data discreet�each page is stamped “Strictly Confidential�Not For Further Distribution”�and, in the best Hollywood tradition of keeping audiences in the dark, the report is not made available to newspapers, industry newsletters, or Wall Street analysts.

Without such information, however, it is impossible to render an accurate picture of Hollywood. Consider how earlier this year entertainment journalists rattled on for months about a slump in the American box office�”Box Office Slump In Its 19th Week”�as if it were a sporting event in which the Hollywood studios couldn’t get winning hits. The story would have been different if they had seen the data on Page 16 in the 2005 Three Month Revenue Report. (Click here for that page.) Instead of a box-office decline, the studios actually took in more from the U.S. box office in the first quarter of 2005 ($870.2 million) than they did in the similar period of 2004 ($797.1 million). So even though the total audience at movie theaters declined during this period, this came mainly at the expense of independent, foreign, and documentary movies. For the Hollywood studios (and their subsidaries), in fact, there was no slump at all.

I gotta be honest, he lost me at ‘Wall Street analysts’.

I guess I should’ve finished that online degree…

I’m probably in the minority here, but I’ve always thought Claire Forlani was a promising actress with a bright future.

Too bad she’s opted to bury her career in some crappy Uwe Boll picture:

Claire Forlani is joining the cast of “Dungeon Siege,” director Uwe Boll’s adaptation of the video game of the same name that Brightlight Pictures is filming in Vancouver. Forlani will play Solana, wife of the film’s hero, Farmer, played by Jason Statham.

I know what you’re thinking: That doesn’t sound so bad.

I’d agree if I wasn’t so keenly aware of Uwe Boll’s fanbase and total lack of talent.

Is it me or is Star Magazine full of shit?

As the summer holiday season hots up for the world’s jet-setting celebrities, two of America’s most famous heiresses have descended on super-chic St Tropez.

Sizzling siblings Paris and Nicky Hilton made the most of their glamorous escapade, relaxing on the $30,000-per-night yacht Insignia.

Mmm, looks like the Latsis clan prefers lil Latsis charters a yacht than have the Hiltons set foot on one of theirs.

Can’t really blame them.

Brooke and her plastic surgeon/husband have called it quits.

I expect her calender sales to hit the roof within the next 30 minutes.

“We are saddened to announce that we have mutually decided to separate after seven years together. Although our careers have taken us in different directions the past few years, we have a great deal of respect for one another and remain committed to raising our two children together,” Burke and Fisher said in a statement issued to PEOPLE.

Different directions?? Really?

Dude, you’re a plastic surgeon who’s known for his tit-jobs and she’s a TV host known for her tits!

Why on earth would you even expect your careers to move into the same direction?! Am I missing something here?

Yes, I’m talking about money.

According to the National Enquirer, Britney Spears is taking a vacation on a celebrity island called: LowCash…

Britney Spears and husband Kevin Federline have borrowed $5 million as speculation grows that their spend, spend, spend lifestyle is causing a cash crunch.

Two loans for $4 million and $1 million were taken out in May against their Malibu, Calif., mansion. No details have emerged for the reason behind the bank payout, but rumors have been swirling over the couple’s finances.

Looks like Brit’s on her way to get “MC Hammer”d.

According to Star Magazine, Paris Hilton and Paris Latsis‘ big fat Greek wedding is off.

That’s right. It appears these two are through. Over. Kaputt.

Wait a minute. Is that a collective sigh I hear?

Sources say that Hilton’s eagerness to marry the 22-year-old shipping heir caused the blow-up. On July 15 � just two weeks into their vacation � the young couple returned to Athens before Hilton, 24, split.

Latsis was distraught, but his relatives were quite relieved.

I bet they were.

It looks like the Mouse fold will have to learn the hard way that the German’s don’t like to be rushed while enjoying their beloved Lindsay Lohan movies at the local multiplex.

German exhibitors could stall Disney’s worldwide rollout of “Herbie Fully Loaded” if two of the territory’s leading multiplex operators carry through with threats made Monday to bump the Beetle-based family comedy off local screens.

At issue are BVI’s plans to speed up “Herbie’s” DVD release in Germany. Instead of the usual six-month window, BVI wants to get the family-friendly film on German store shelves in December to cash in on the Christmas market.

Sounds like we might have to ship more David Hasselhoff CDs over there to quell any potentially massive riots dead in their tracks.

I gotta admit keeping track of new DVD releases can be a daunting task.

Well, no more. Canada’s Border Services Agency is here to help with their quarterly list of “Admissible and Prohibited Titles”:

More than half of the prospective imports were stopped at the border, including “Teenage Transsexual Nurses 4,” “What a Pisser,” “Bi Bi Daddy,” and many works produced by one Tom “Ropes” McGurk. Included among the admissible titles were “Have Some Cannelloni, Tony!” and “Frank and Beans” from the Angry Young Man series, and “Bondage Ahoy!”

Well, and let’s not forget such instant classics as “Throat Gaggers #7″, “Throat Yogurt Vol. 2″ and “You Need It”.

Yes, I do. My next family barbecue has been saved.

If this isn’t auteur-driven independent cinema at its obscure best, I don’t know what is.

Did you hear about the ambitious starlet who had no clue?

She slept with the screenwriter!

My boss never gets tired of that joke. I on the other hand think it’s trite and clich�.

In other news, Amanda Peet is set to marry uber-screenwriter David “Stay” Benioff:

Amanda Peet, whose screen love interests have included Ashton Kutcher (A Lot Like Love) and Jack Nicholson (Something’s Gotta Give), has a new leading man in her life: Troy screenwriter David Benioff.

The two are engaged to be married, Peet’s agent, Ame Van Iden, confirms to PEOPLE. Van Iden had no further information on the planned nuptials.

Okay, now I get the joke! That’s clever…

Did you ever stop and wonder what caused those nasty cold sores on Katie’s face?

No?

Fair enough. I didn’t either. But Lloyd Grove did and this is what he found out:

At Lowdown’s request, Manhattan dermatologist Paul Frank examined photographs of the future Mrs. Cruise.

“Although I can’t say for sure, this looks like a cold-sore attack,” Frank said. “Niacin shouldn’t trigger cold sores.”

Well then, what does?

“Stress is the No. 1 cause,” he replied. “God knows Scientology stresses me out!”

Reps for Cruise and Holmes didn’t return phone calls, and a Scientology official said: “Whatever you see on her face has got nothing to do with us. It’s insulting that you would ask such a thing.”

At least now we know that Scientologists aren’t shallow like the rest of L.A.

It’s what’s on the inside that counts, right? Right!