Luck is overrated. If you really want to make it big in Hollywood, you should stop chasing your dream and start frying your brain with hard drugs.

I know it sounds a bit suspect, but some people swear by it:

Troubled Hollywood star DENNIS HOPPER has promoted hard drugs and alcohol as the perfect ingredients for movie making, and insists he owes his career to his many addictions.

The SPEED actor was famously forced to kick his hardcore habits in the 1980s after he was found naked and begging to be shot dead in Mexico.

But the 69-year-old insists his substance-abusing years never effected his work ethic or onscreen talent. […]

“At the time, drinking, doing cocaine and smoking grass while working… it was all about the work. It wasn’t about the drugs. We did them to keep going.”

Well, that explains why The Last Movie’s first cut was six hours long.

I guess when you’re coked out of your mind, time flies a little faster.

And higher.

Not to rehash dirty old laundry or anything, but a friend (female) told me that some women actually “leak” during their first trimester of pregnancy.

You know, I’m no gynecologist (well, at least not a licensed one) so I’ve absolutely no clue if this is even remotely accurate, but if it is, I think this might give the whole “Fergie peed herself on stage” calamity a totally new and somewhat less embarrassing angle, don’t you think?

Mmm, could Josh Duhamel be the man behind the stain??

The plot thickens…

I have to say, for a restaurant that’s famous for catering to the famous, KOI is pretty bad at showing their appreciation to those who helped make them famous:

About a dozen photographers clustered on the sidewalk near the restaurant’s bamboo-shrouded entrance and called out greetings and niceties to their subjects as the stars exited their Hummers and Range Rovers.

“Hey Paris, welcome back, Paris,” one called out to Hilton, who had recently returned from a month abroad. “Over the shoulder, Paris. Hey, that’s nice.”

Most nights the dance runs smoothly between paparazzi, celebrities and restaurant management.

But on Friday, restaurant managers decided things were getting out of hand, though it is unclear exactly what incident led to their decision to call police.

Just before police arrived, a handful of photographers had sprinted to the alley when someone tipped them off that Lohan was exiting through the back exit. As two friends tried to shield Lohan and a bodyguard shined a flashlight into camera lenses, the paparazzi clustered around Lohan, snapping frantically.

The police arrived moments later.

When Barton made her exit into the alleyway, the officers wouldn’t allow photographers close enough to snap any photos.

Moments later they came out front, issued a warning to the paparazzi, requested identification and took down everyone’s personal information.

Chacon said he and his partner, Michael Tilden, had watched a videotape inside the restaurant that indicated that some photographers were acting improperly. He would not elaborate.

But the photographers said they were doing nothing wrong.

“You might want to talk to your staff before talking to us,” one paparazzo said to restaurant manager Pultera as the officers copied down his personal information. “Half of your customers call us, that’s the catch.”

AWW SNAP! Homey got called out by a paparazzo.

Well, if anyone can turn a multimillion dollar estate into a pseudo sweatshop it’s Martha Stewart:

A woman claiming to be a disgruntled worker at Stewart’s Bedford estate called yesterday to claim that “morale is extremely low” among the two dozen cooks, maids, gardeners and maintenance men working there. “There’s no health insurance and no retirement benefits, and now she has canceled the Poland Spring contract, so we don’t even get free water,” said our source. “All this while she bought herself an Aston Martin and a French bulldog.”

I love it how we progressed from the usual “working for the jailbird sucks” to “morale is extremely low”.

Martha sure knows how to spread the love.

If you said naked Germans in black leather, you’re spending way too much time reading gossip rags:

A visit to a nightclub in Berlin was a party too far for the wild-child American Pie star [Tara Reid].

She was so shocked by the hard-core goings-on she locked herself in her hotel room - and took the first flight out the next day. […]

“She arrived on Friday and was supposed to spend the weekend touring the hot spots but she was so shocked at the first stop in the KitKatClub on Saturday that she fled.” Tara, 26, flew to London on Sunday morning - three days early.

A KitKatClub spokesman confirmed that guests get to fulfil their fantasies and said the sight of black leather and a lot of naked flesh had been too much for the star.

He continued: “Tara threw her complimentary glass of champagne across the club in disgust and fled back to her suite at the Palace Hotel before flying back to London.”

Henrik Tedefjaerd from the Berlin Agenten agency that arranged the programme said: “She is obviously not as tough as the image she likes to portray.”

Yeah sure, that must be it.

There’s nothing like quitting your job and taking off on your private yacht for a well-deserved vacation with your supermodel wife and little son:

A relaxed-looking Lachlan Murdoch jetted into Sydney yesterday morning, ready to make the city his home.

Tanned and tubby, the former News Corp executive appears to have enjoyed swapping designer suits for more casual clobber. […]

His wife, Sarah, and eight-month-old son, Kalan, were not on the 7am flight from Tahiti yesterday. The family has been holidaying in Tahiti aboard their yacht. But Mrs Murdoch, a former model, is also expected home this weekend.

Mr Murdoch was met at the airport by a bodyguard and would not be drawn on his future business plans. “There’s nothing that I really want to go into, but it’s good to be off the plane,” he said. “I’m gonna have some breakfast and then have a kip.”

Reports have suggested that the abrupt departure has put the Murdoch dynasty into a spin. But the one-time heir apparent will continue as a board director and a company consultant.

Insider reports have also revealed a frayed relationship between the young-gun son and the father who refuses to retire.

Let the old man work if he enjoys it so much. Its not like he’s hurting anyone.

Break out the tissues, it appears another potential 007 actor has dropped out of the casting race:

Hugh Jackman, star of such unforgettable epics as, er, X-Men (not a general election special it seems), who enjoyed artistic acclaim for his role in, um, Van Helsing (which turns out to be a movie, not a Dutch dessert), has declined a lucrative opportunity to play Bond, and there are apparently few other takers.

The precise reason for this snub is in dispute. Jackman’s friends insist that he was simply too busy, while others imply that the part has lost its appeal in the United States or even that it has become a role for an “up-and-coming” actor and not an established personality.

I think it is safe to say that Pierce Brosnan is laughing his ass off.

Who would have thought, Demi and Ashton’s sex life is as exciting as reheating pizza in the microwave:

Demi Moore doesn’t discuss pregnancy rumors in the new issue of Harper’s Bazaar. But she and Ashton Kutcher are obviously trying.

A fun night at home for the 42-year-old actress and her 27-year-old beau is “sharing a bath with one another and watching Court TV. Snuggling up naked.”

Her ideal night out?

“Going out dancing … and going to the movies and having no-butter popcorn, holding hands… and then maybe the bathtub, or swimming naked in the pool.”

Okay, okay. We get the picture.

“The next phase?” Moore muses. “The growth of our family. Which is all the things we truly desire … to expand our family.”

Rub-a-dub-dub, baby in the tub.

Rub-a-dub-dub, I think I’m gonna throw up.

Oops, too late…

Ring in a new round of “pass-the-buck” as “The Island”s blame shifting continues full force.

It’s always funny how producers try to dodge the box-office bomb bullet, but end up with some sticky stuff dripping down their faces:

The star [Scarlett Johansson] is mad as hell at the husband-and-wife producing team of Walter Parkes and Laurie MacDonald because, as PAGE SIX reported last week, they faulted her and co-star Ewan MacGregor’s lack of star power for the movie’s flop. Parkes went as far as to tell zap2it.com, “Even lesser television actresses, quite honestly, would have more connection to that audience.”

Now the gloves are off, and insiders on the picture are blaming the producers rather than the two young stars.

We’re told that Parkes and MacDonald “were only on the set three times” and that they spent three weeks in June, right before the movie’s release, on vacation in Italy, where they were “basically uncontactable.”

Sources also tattle that director Michael Bay delivered a final print of “The Island” only two days before the press screening and that during a meeting in April at Parkes’ office, DreamWorks publicity chief Terry Press admitted, “I have no idea how to market this movie.”

A spokesman for Johansson tells PAGE SIX’s Tom Sykes, “We find it incredible that the producers of ‘The Island’ have blamed the low box-office results on the film’s two lead actors. This is a clear-cut example of the producers’ passing the buck and not taking responsibility for their part in making calculated mistakes throughout the film’s marketing.”

The rep continues: “Ms. Johansson is proud of her performance and the film… The film and the actors’ performances were overall well received by the critics. We put our trust in the professionals who sold and promoted this film. It is unforgivable that the producers continue to blame everyone but themselves.” […]

Parkes and MacDonald ate their words as PAGE SIX went to press, praising “Scarlett Johansson and Ewan McGregor’s extraordinary work” and alleging that their “comments were taken completely out of context.” DreamWorks had no comment.

Makes me wonder what Steven Spielberg was doing during this clusterfuck.

Oh, that’s right, he was chasing after Kooky Cruise.

Finally, Paula Abdul has been “cleared of all allegations”.

Maestro, let the show begin:

SATURDAY’s news brought news that Paula Abdul, after a 600-hour, 31/2-month, 45-person investigation, was cleared of allegations she diddled with that little piggy who went to market Corey Clark.

Umm, judging by the look on her face it appears Paula’s been working up a healthy appetite…

Mommy, that horny woman scares me.