Break out the tissues, it appears another potential 007 actor has dropped out of the casting race:

Hugh Jackman, star of such unforgettable epics as, er, X-Men (not a general election special it seems), who enjoyed artistic acclaim for his role in, um, Van Helsing (which turns out to be a movie, not a Dutch dessert), has declined a lucrative opportunity to play Bond, and there are apparently few other takers.

The precise reason for this snub is in dispute. Jackman’s friends insist that he was simply too busy, while others imply that the part has lost its appeal in the United States or even that it has become a role for an “up-and-coming” actor and not an established personality.

I think it is safe to say that Pierce Brosnan is laughing his ass off.

Ring in a new round of “pass-the-buck” as “The Island”s blame shifting continues full force.

It’s always funny how producers try to dodge the box-office bomb bullet, but end up with some sticky stuff dripping down their faces:

The star [Scarlett Johansson] is mad as hell at the husband-and-wife producing team of Walter Parkes and Laurie MacDonald because, as PAGE SIX reported last week, they faulted her and co-star Ewan MacGregor’s lack of star power for the movie’s flop. Parkes went as far as to tell zap2it.com, “Even lesser television actresses, quite honestly, would have more connection to that audience.”

Now the gloves are off, and insiders on the picture are blaming the producers rather than the two young stars.

We’re told that Parkes and MacDonald “were only on the set three times” and that they spent three weeks in June, right before the movie’s release, on vacation in Italy, where they were “basically uncontactable.”

Sources also tattle that director Michael Bay delivered a final print of “The Island” only two days before the press screening and that during a meeting in April at Parkes’ office, DreamWorks publicity chief Terry Press admitted, “I have no idea how to market this movie.”

A spokesman for Johansson tells PAGE SIX’s Tom Sykes, “We find it incredible that the producers of ‘The Island’ have blamed the low box-office results on the film’s two lead actors. This is a clear-cut example of the producers’ passing the buck and not taking responsibility for their part in making calculated mistakes throughout the film’s marketing.”

The rep continues: “Ms. Johansson is proud of her performance and the film… The film and the actors’ performances were overall well received by the critics. We put our trust in the professionals who sold and promoted this film. It is unforgivable that the producers continue to blame everyone but themselves.” […]

Parkes and MacDonald ate their words as PAGE SIX went to press, praising “Scarlett Johansson and Ewan McGregor’s extraordinary work” and alleging that their “comments were taken completely out of context.” DreamWorks had no comment.

Makes me wonder what Steven Spielberg was doing during this clusterfuck.

Oh, that’s right, he was chasing after Kooky Cruise.

Finally, Paula Abdul has been “cleared of all allegations”.

Maestro, let the show begin:

SATURDAY’s news brought news that Paula Abdul, after a 600-hour, 31/2-month, 45-person investigation, was cleared of allegations she diddled with that little piggy who went to market Corey Clark.

Umm, judging by the look on her face it appears Paula’s been working up a healthy appetite…

Mommy, that horny woman scares me.

First she ended her TV show. Then her marriage. And now she’s determined to end what’s left of her fizzling career:

According to Sky News, the cast of the smash-sitcom [Friends] are being roped into a tell-all retrospective doco on the hit series. Everyone but Jennifer Aniston has agreed to do it.

A scooper tells the site, “All the cast members are up for a documentary based on the show which would have featured exclusive interviews with the cast � all except Jennifer Aniston. Rumour is she is still too distraught about the split from hubby Brad Pitt while others cite the fact that she wants to move away from her Rachel image for good.

Umm, okay, I think Jen doesn’t really understand how popular ‘Friends’ is. I mean, how do you move away from an image that is part of a show that is on TV every friggin’ day?!

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie will be back for another season of the “Simple Life”, because FOX TV owns their souls:

“We’re not definitive with what direction we want to take that show, but we feel that there’s got to be something there given the fact that both Paris and Nicole are engaged and about to be married,” Ligouri says. Rumors of a wedding-themed “Simple Life” have been swirling since Hilton became engaged to Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis; Richie is engaged to DJ Adam Goldstein (aka DJ AM).

Hilton and Richie had a falling out this spring, and although details remain sketchy (”Nicole knows what she did,” Hilton said at the time), there apparently hasn’t been any reconciliation.

Catfights in a wedding dress… It don’t get classier than that. I’ve got my TiVo already set.

I’m probably in the minority here, but I’ve always thought Claire Forlani was a promising actress with a bright future.

Too bad she’s opted to bury her career in some crappy Uwe Boll picture:

Claire Forlani is joining the cast of “Dungeon Siege,” director Uwe Boll’s adaptation of the video game of the same name that Brightlight Pictures is filming in Vancouver. Forlani will play Solana, wife of the film’s hero, Farmer, played by Jason Statham.

I know what you’re thinking: That doesn’t sound so bad.

I’d agree if I wasn’t so keenly aware of Uwe Boll’s fanbase and total lack of talent.

I gotta admit keeping track of new DVD releases can be a daunting task.

Well, no more. Canada’s Border Services Agency is here to help with their quarterly list of “Admissible and Prohibited Titles”:

More than half of the prospective imports were stopped at the border, including “Teenage Transsexual Nurses 4,” “What a Pisser,” “Bi Bi Daddy,” and many works produced by one Tom “Ropes” McGurk. Included among the admissible titles were “Have Some Cannelloni, Tony!” and “Frank and Beans” from the Angry Young Man series, and “Bondage Ahoy!”

Well, and let’s not forget such instant classics as “Throat Gaggers #7″, “Throat Yogurt Vol. 2″ and “You Need It”.

Yes, I do. My next family barbecue has been saved.

If this isn’t auteur-driven independent cinema at its obscure best, I don’t know what is.