These two dimwits are so clueless their collective stupidity could move mountains:

What better Fashion Week kickoff than a nasty catfight between Jessica and Ashlee Simpson and legendary photographer David LaChapelle?

The 37-year-old LaChapelle spewed flames of hatred for the sisters Simpson at Tuesday night’s benefit for the Brazilian charity Voice of the Streets at Churrascaria Plataforma Tribeca.

“They’re everything that’s wrong with music,” LaChapelle seethed to Lowdown. “Out of everything combined, they’re everything wrong with culture, and everything wrong with art, and what we think of as art and musical culture - in one family!”

LaChapelle, who not only shoots covers for Vanity Fair and Italian Vogue and makes music videos but also directed the critically acclaimed documentary “Rize,” was just getting warmed up.

“They’re nothing. They have nothing. They hold no interest whatsoever for anybody,” he sniffed. “They’re reality-red-carpet, lip-synching television stars. I don’t know what they are beyond that. I don’t think they offer anything.”

So what did these innocent young ladies ever to do to him?

According to a source in the Simpson camp, LaChapelle is bitter that Jessica and Ashlee recently refused to pose for him for a Rolling Stone cover.

“When you do a cover with your sister, you both want to look like who you are,” says the source. “David doesn’t have that skill. The girls were looking for a photographer who wasn’t a one-trick pony. He’s good at what he does, but that’s it.”

Is it me or is the “source” Pimp Daddy Simpson?

I mean, who other than Joe would complain about a “one-trick pony” (“one-trick pony” my ass) while peddling two inept wannabe starlets?

The old PR adage is that there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

I disagree:

Rumours have been flying this week that Keira Knightley’s already found herself a new man, in the shape of Bodyrockers musician Kaz James.

But now it looks like it’s all a load of old bunkum.

The 20-year-old star, who recently split from model Jamie Dornan, set tongues wagging at the Pride And Prejudice premiere when she and Kaz arrived just minutes apart.

And Kaz, fresh from chart success with I Like The Way, wasted no time in telling people he was dating the actress.

But now Keira has hit back at the rumours, calling them “codswallop”.

“I’m slightly surprised, because I’ve never met him in my life,” she told the Daily Mail. […]

Keira went on to brand the chart star a “sad loser” for telling people they were an item.

“Who does he think he is?” she said. “There are words I could suggest but they are rude.”

You mean like “codswallop”? I love it when Brits talk dirty… “Codswallop”?? Is that even a word?

Who knew Britney Spears’s head was bigger than her belly?

Ok, don’t answer that. It’s supposed to be a rhetorical question…

BRITNEY Spears stormed the set of little sister Jamie Lynn Spears‘ Nickelodeon show, “Zoey 101,” last week and screamed at a 13-year-old co-star who had been feuding with Jamie Lynn � leaving the traumatized tweenster in tears.

According to our on-set snitch: “Britney had the talent coordinator bring [co-star] Alexa Nikolas over to Jamie Lynn’s trailer � where she proceeded to scream that Alexa was an ‘evil little girl,’ and that she had better watch herself or she ‘will never work in this town again!’ “

Whoa! Did some washed up teen idol just try to channel Michael Ovitz?

I can’t say I’m surprised. Last time I checked wearing a dress didn’t make you an expert on women’s issues:

Hollywood actress Scarlett Johansson is the latest star to slam Tom Cruise’s attack on Brooke Shields for using medication to ease postpartum depression. […]

She says, “I think people have their own right to choose whether or not they want to stop taking a drug.

“I can go into a very lengthy conversation with anyone about a woman’s right to choose and things like that, but I don’t believe in forcing my opinion on people.

“I do believe that, in particular, children are over medicated. But I’ve also known people who’ve taken anti-depressants for a couple of months, and it saves them from what could really be a drastic situation.

“Ruling out something that could legitimately help people seems ignorant.”

I would have gone with my personal favorite: ‘dim-witted’, but I guess ‘ignorant’ works too.

Ring in a new round of “pass-the-buck” as “The Island”s blame shifting continues full force.

It’s always funny how producers try to dodge the box-office bomb bullet, but end up with some sticky stuff dripping down their faces:

The star [Scarlett Johansson] is mad as hell at the husband-and-wife producing team of Walter Parkes and Laurie MacDonald because, as PAGE SIX reported last week, they faulted her and co-star Ewan MacGregor’s lack of star power for the movie’s flop. Parkes went as far as to tell zap2it.com, “Even lesser television actresses, quite honestly, would have more connection to that audience.”

Now the gloves are off, and insiders on the picture are blaming the producers rather than the two young stars.

We’re told that Parkes and MacDonald “were only on the set three times” and that they spent three weeks in June, right before the movie’s release, on vacation in Italy, where they were “basically uncontactable.”

Sources also tattle that director Michael Bay delivered a final print of “The Island” only two days before the press screening and that during a meeting in April at Parkes’ office, DreamWorks publicity chief Terry Press admitted, “I have no idea how to market this movie.”

A spokesman for Johansson tells PAGE SIX’s Tom Sykes, “We find it incredible that the producers of ‘The Island’ have blamed the low box-office results on the film’s two lead actors. This is a clear-cut example of the producers’ passing the buck and not taking responsibility for their part in making calculated mistakes throughout the film’s marketing.”

The rep continues: “Ms. Johansson is proud of her performance and the film… The film and the actors’ performances were overall well received by the critics. We put our trust in the professionals who sold and promoted this film. It is unforgivable that the producers continue to blame everyone but themselves.” […]

Parkes and MacDonald ate their words as PAGE SIX went to press, praising “Scarlett Johansson and Ewan McGregor’s extraordinary work” and alleging that their “comments were taken completely out of context.” DreamWorks had no comment.

Makes me wonder what Steven Spielberg was doing during this clusterfuck.

Oh, that’s right, he was chasing after Kooky Cruise.

This twosome’s days in Hollywood frat boy heaven seem to be over for good:

Sounds like director Kevin Smith is feeling a tad snubbed by his old friend Ben Affleck.

At Monday night’s premiere of “Reel Paradise,” the documentary he produced about a movie maven who screens indie films for the residents of Fiji, Smith riffed on the fact that he wasn’t invited to Affleck’s hush-hush June Caribbean wedding to “Alias” star Jennifer Garner.

“I was supposed to be a groomsman and reader at the [2004] Affleck and [Jennifer] Lopez wedding,” said the director of “Jersey Girl,” Affleck’s catastrophic big-screen pairing with J.Lo., the other Jennifer. “I figure Garner saw me as the curse that jinxed it, and thought, best to keep me as far away from them as possible.”

But is he going to get the newlyweds a wedding present anyway?

Apparently not.

“I’m gonna [have sex with] my wife to celebrate their marriage,” he said. “If it would make her feel better, she can call me Ben and I can call her Jen.” (As if this fantasy couldn’t be any weirder, Smith’s wife is also named Jennifer.)

Smith couldn’t resist elaborating: “It would be the most fictional role-playing ever. I’m no Affleck, which is bad in the bedroom, but good professionally. It’s good not to be Ben Affleck professionally, because then I don’t have to explain ‘Gigli’” � another Affleck bomb co-starring J.Lo. � “for the next ten years.”

Not that he’s bitter or anything.