These two dimwits are so clueless their collective stupidity could move mountains:

What better Fashion Week kickoff than a nasty catfight between Jessica and Ashlee Simpson and legendary photographer David LaChapelle?

The 37-year-old LaChapelle spewed flames of hatred for the sisters Simpson at Tuesday night’s benefit for the Brazilian charity Voice of the Streets at Churrascaria Plataforma Tribeca.

“They’re everything that’s wrong with music,” LaChapelle seethed to Lowdown. “Out of everything combined, they’re everything wrong with culture, and everything wrong with art, and what we think of as art and musical culture - in one family!”

LaChapelle, who not only shoots covers for Vanity Fair and Italian Vogue and makes music videos but also directed the critically acclaimed documentary “Rize,” was just getting warmed up.

“They’re nothing. They have nothing. They hold no interest whatsoever for anybody,” he sniffed. “They’re reality-red-carpet, lip-synching television stars. I don’t know what they are beyond that. I don’t think they offer anything.”

So what did these innocent young ladies ever to do to him?

According to a source in the Simpson camp, LaChapelle is bitter that Jessica and Ashlee recently refused to pose for him for a Rolling Stone cover.

“When you do a cover with your sister, you both want to look like who you are,” says the source. “David doesn’t have that skill. The girls were looking for a photographer who wasn’t a one-trick pony. He’s good at what he does, but that’s it.”

Is it me or is the “source” Pimp Daddy Simpson?

I mean, who other than Joe would complain about a “one-trick pony” (“one-trick pony” my ass) while peddling two inept wannabe starlets?

I don’t know about you, but I want whatever Jessica Simpson is smoking:

Jessica Simpson is desperate to hone her acting skills on the London stage - but will consider nothing less than a role in a William Shakespeare play.

The 25-year-old beauty, who plays sex-bomb Daisy Duke in the big screen version of The Dukes of Hazzard, now considers herself a seasoned actress and is convinced a classic production would finally eradicate her dumb blonde image.

Simpson says: “When I arrived in England the first thing I did was go straight to the Globe Theatre. For me that is the home of acting and writing.

“I have always loved Shakespeare. That’s the job I want - anything at the Globe.”

In related news, the Globe is currently casting the role of “Dumb Blonde” in a William Shakespeare play.

Does this scripted denial remind you of somebody?

Nick Lachey and Kelly Ripa took a broom to some rumors as they co-hosted the syndicated TV show “Live With Regis and Kelly.” Lachey denied reports that his marriage to Jessica Simpson is on the rocks, and Ripa said her co-host, Regis Philbin, isn’t getting the boot from the daytime talk show.

On Wednesday’s show, Lachey said everything is “absolutely wonderful” between him and Simpson, who co-stars in “The Dukes of Hazzard” film. The 31-year-old singer also denied being jealous of her career being hotter than his.

When I close my eyes, he sounds just like Scott Foley… right before he got the boot.

I can’t say I’m all that suprised to hear that this may very well be the real thing:

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. Mr. and who-knows-how-long Mrs. Lachey have recently not spent all their time denying she’ll take the high road and he’ll take the low road. Some of this time has been spent divvying up assets. […]

TV shows and magazines called to get more since nobody was saying anything. I wouldn’t offer more. All I’m saying today is, that as of this minute � late Tuesday � I have heard no shriek. Nobody complaining I’m a dumb, stupid, imbecilic idiot jerk who doesn’t know what I’m slobbering about. In fact, there are small, tiny little reports flickering out that they are confirming a divorce settlement has been, in fact, “executed.”

I hate to say “I told you so”, but let’s face it, I don’t get to talk nearly enough.

*does the robot*

38% of you were wrong, wrong, wrong!

I guess there’s only space for one in the General Lee on the winding road to stardom.

No C-list celebrity hitchhikers husbands allowed.

Jessica Simpson may be ditzy, but she ain’t lazy. When the big beauty product gigs don’t come knocking, she gets proactive:

JESSICA Simpson seems to be fudging the truth on the brand of acne medicine that cleared up her formerly pimple-plagued face. The “Dukes of Hazzard” blondeshell has said in interviews that she zapped her zits with the strong prescription medicine Accutane. But once Simpson was hired as a spokesmodel for Proactiv, she changed her tune. On Proactiv’s Web site, she now sings that product’s praises.

At last we know how she zapped her zits.

Now if only I could figure out how she zapped her brain I might be able to solve the riddle that is Jessica Simpson.

Just when I was ready to give up all hope, a glimmer of good fortune rounds the corner.

That’s right. Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey may have finally done signed the dirty deed:

This seemingly informed bunch says these beauties have, in fact, already hired divorce lawyers. They go so far as to say that, in fact, divorce papers were already drawn up. Wait. They go an inch further. Said big ears and big mouths actually said that the papers have, in fact, actually been signed. Signed!

I refuse to believe that. I refuse to believe that Jessica Simpson can actually write.

It’s probably just a passport photo of her nodding ‘yes’.