Paris Hilton got a surprise at Macy’s last Friday when a mustachioed man turned up in the long line of women who’d bought an $80 bottle of her new fragrance. The hotel heiress asked the dude how she should autograph her photo.”Make it out to ‘The Guy Who Has My Storage Locker Stuff,’” said David Hans Schmidt, who then introduced himself as the broker of the secret diaries, videotapes and snapshots that went on the auction block when she didn’t pay her storage bill. “That stuff can’t be published,” the wide-eyed Hilton told Schmidt.

“Like your sex video?” said Schmidt, who has offered to sell Hilton’s possessions back to her. (Just to jog her memory about the Hilton family heirlooms, he showed her a photo of herself as a little girl holding baby sister Nicky.) Hilton told Schmidt she’d meet with him in L.A. She also signed his picture: “To David, Love Paris Hilton xoxo.”

That’s what happens when you don’t pay your storage rental fee. Cheapskate.

[Via: Yeeeah!]

Call it what you want: Deja Vu, Milli Vanilli or Wannabe Blondie. Fact is Paris Hilton is still unbearable and heavily sfx processed (Yes, that’s right! I know all about those little recording studio tricks. I didn’t bang a musician for nothing.)

[Source: Dlisted]

Or maybe Paris Hilton is just working her wit to land a big tampon gig. I mean let’s face it, not everyone can hit the Gillette jackpot:

So I got some really funny juicy shit…through a buddy who I actually picked up on the set (she was working as hair and makeup) I heard that in this video shoot the girls were laughing at Paris cause she got her *monthly bill* as she was getting her makeup and hair checked and that everyone ran out as Paris ran to the restroom as the blood dripped down her leg…they heard Paris and a girl friend of hers arguing on how dumb she is- knowing she was due only for Paris to say “I’m HOT and I can’t be HOt with a tampon on, besides, it doesn’t go w/ my outfit” she said Paris later called them bitch’s and made them promise not to say anything or she would take legal action…she tried to be cute about it but it didn’t work…LOL…they said it stunk so bad and that it was the nastiest thing they had ever seen…also that she’s so nasty and vain in person…she also wears loads of makeup and that its gut twisting to hear her talk on the phone as she talked more trash about Lindsey Lohan…at one point she compared a lil. weiner to Brandon (her buddy?) but then said it was Lindsey’s…also through out the whole day she was going around saying she was “HOT” and how everyone should treat like Royalty cause she was…TRUE STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Crazy kids. Just as I was starting to think that the toilet seat auction was a new low — BAM! She lowers the bar another fifty inches.

An enterprising German farmer is hoping to cash in on a recent Paris Hilton toilet break at his home by auctioning off the seat she sat on.

Hilton was caught short on a recent helicopter flight in Europe and demanded the pilot landed his toilet-free chopper, so she could pee.

The quick-thinking pilot realized he was close to a friend’s farmhouse and landed close by so his desperate passenger could relieve herself.

The farmer, who offered up his toilet, is now looking to auction the seat his celebrity guest sat on.

I don’t wanna crap on anyone’s cake or anything, but what if she toilet paper’d the toilet seat before sitting down? Then, technically, she wouldn’t really have sat on it, now would she?

Okay people, brace yourselves! I think we are looking at the first strike (or is it ‘bang’?) of another Paris Hilton sex-tape scandal publicity orgy.

Ummm, at least that’s what my online-german-translator tells me. I think.

It appears, according to this German paper, Paris Hilton is currently busy trying to perfect the dictionary definition of “vengeful bitch” by lusciously leaking disturbing pics of her “I-did-Val-Kilmer-because-he-said-I-was-famous-for nothing” phase.

Well Val, looks to me like she’s famous for being a little vengeful.

But then again, I could be wrong…

Fashion guru Valentino Garavani has launched a scathing attack on socialite Paris Hilton, labeling the hotel heiress “vulgar” and “not even pretty.”The Italian fashion designer “shuddered” when New Yorker magazine reporter Michael Specter suggested Hilton may wear a Valentino dress for her forthcoming marriage to Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis.

Valentino, 72, scathes, “No, I don’t like her. She is marrying the son of a friend of mine. They have billions.

“She is vulgar, and she is not even pretty.

“The Hiltons, they have nothing.”

I think they have lots of unresolved issues. Well, and ugly, vulgar daughters…

You really don’t need much else beyond that.

Bless her heart, Paris will do anything to get her name in the paper and her record produced:

Just when Paris Hilton’s engagement to Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis had us all believing that fairytales really can come true, sources say the unregenerated wildchild has given in to her baser instincts and taken up with Scott Storch, the hip-hop superproducer behind her upcoming debut album.

Hilton watchers first noticed the unlikely pairing two weeks ago when Storch squired the heiress to the VMAs�with her devoted fianc� nowhere in sight. “They were holding hands the whole time in Miami and were all over each other,” says one observer. But chatter about the celebutante’s straying ways reached fever pitch at this Saturday’s Play Station Portable fashion show in New York. […]

Storch, 31, spent most of the show backstage with his songbird: “He brought her a bag with a bunch of pink stuff and some shoes,” says another partygoer. “Everyone at the afterparty was talking about them being together. He even led the search effort for her cell phone when she lost it after the show”�proving himself the cool-headed yin to her semi-retarded yang. […]

Asked about Hilton’s latest accessory, her rep, Bob Zimmerman, said coyly, “Paris and Scott are taking advantage of every public opportunity to create buzz for the album he’s producing.” As for Latsis? “They’re still engaged and Paris is still moving forward with the wedding plans.”

What about the other Paris, is he also still moving forward with the wedding plans? Cause we all know it takes two Paris for one white trash wedding…

Well, slap my heiny and call me Suzy. Why would anybody in their right mind wanna mock our precious talented little Paris?? C’mon, that’s just crazy.

Right?

PARIS HILTON is eager to ensure her singing debut is a huge success - because she fears being mocked if it fails.

The hotel heiress began talking about the release of an album more than two years ago, but has yet to release any singles.

And Hilton, who is collaborating with producer SCOTT STORCH and rapper SNOOP DOGG on the project, admits she’s keen to make sure it’s all perfect so that critics aren’t too tough on her.

She says, “I want every song to be great. If they aren’t, people will trash me.”

It’s obvious, she’s the smart one in the family…

I have to say, for a restaurant that’s famous for catering to the famous, KOI is pretty bad at showing their appreciation to those who helped make them famous:

About a dozen photographers clustered on the sidewalk near the restaurant’s bamboo-shrouded entrance and called out greetings and niceties to their subjects as the stars exited their Hummers and Range Rovers.

“Hey Paris, welcome back, Paris,” one called out to Hilton, who had recently returned from a month abroad. “Over the shoulder, Paris. Hey, that’s nice.”

Most nights the dance runs smoothly between paparazzi, celebrities and restaurant management.

But on Friday, restaurant managers decided things were getting out of hand, though it is unclear exactly what incident led to their decision to call police.

Just before police arrived, a handful of photographers had sprinted to the alley when someone tipped them off that Lohan was exiting through the back exit. As two friends tried to shield Lohan and a bodyguard shined a flashlight into camera lenses, the paparazzi clustered around Lohan, snapping frantically.

The police arrived moments later.

When Barton made her exit into the alleyway, the officers wouldn’t allow photographers close enough to snap any photos.

Moments later they came out front, issued a warning to the paparazzi, requested identification and took down everyone’s personal information.

Chacon said he and his partner, Michael Tilden, had watched a videotape inside the restaurant that indicated that some photographers were acting improperly. He would not elaborate.

But the photographers said they were doing nothing wrong.

“You might want to talk to your staff before talking to us,” one paparazzo said to restaurant manager Pultera as the officers copied down his personal information. “Half of your customers call us, that’s the catch.”

AWW SNAP! Homey got called out by a paparazzo.

According to our latest poll, you the voters feel that Paris Hilton is obnoxious.

And I mean, OB-NOXIOUS!

Nobody else gets even remotely close to her level of obnoxious-ness, which by the way I’m sure is all just part of her “I’m gonna be a brand” business plan.

Our #2 is another no-brainer: Ashlee Simpson.

And #3 is the obnoxious threesome: Jessica, Britney and Lindsay.

P.S. I know what you’re thinking. No, I didn’t fudge the numbers. Yes, the poll is really that creepy. Deal with it!