I guess if I were Tom Cruise, I would too:

Insiders reveal that Tom — fed up with what he apparently perceives as persistently lousy press — has started praying for journalists who make negative comments about him. The Lord of Inter-Galactic Cruise Control calls such newsmen “aberrations” — defined by Scientology as those afflicted by “departure from rational thought” — and is praying for the Supreme Being to grant them redemption.

Well Tom, if you’re fed up with your lousy press why not start seeing a shrink and try acting like a sane person for a change?

Remember, if you lose your mind, Xenu will have won.

TOM CRUISE and KATIE HOLMES closed off a public toilet in Hollywood yesterday (25MAY06) when they were caught short at a little league baseball game. The couple was watching a game featuring Cruise’s son CONNOR when they needed to take a toilet break. Bodyguards made sure the public loo was empty before the couple stepped inside. The minders then waited outside as the pair relieved themselves.

How romantic… the two lovebirds pee insync.

I don’t know about you, but I for one am convinced that their marriage is real. It has to be, right?

HOLLYWOOD megastar Tom Cruise is furious royal biographer Andrew Morton is using a gay porn actor to investigate his private life. […]Morton, who collaborated with Princess Diana to produce an account of her troubled life, is paying 58-year-old Paul Baressi to help him with his warts-and-all book about Cruise.

Baressi has starred in 25 gay porn films but now works as a private investigator in LA.

“I am a key source of information regarding several things,” Baressi said.

Baressi claims to have provided Morton with documentation regarding a bizarre episode in which Cruise, 43, was falsely accused of having a homosexual encounter while shooting the film Eyes Wide Shut in the UK.

Yesterday Cruise’s lawyer Bert Fields said the actor would sue Morton and New York-based publishers St Martin’s Press if they used the letter he wrote in response to try to cast aspersions on Cruise’s sexuality.

“I wrote a letter to Mr Morton back in November and said he obviously was entitled to write the book but ‘make sure you check your facts’,” Mr Fields said. “If he tries to use my letter to create the impression that Mr Cruise did have a gay affair, we will certainly sue … because the story is false.

“Mr Cruise is not gay.”

There you go. The man ain’t gay. His lawyer said so.

That’s right, Tom Cruise has managed to follow in JLo’s big-ass footsteps and carved a place for himself in the ever-expanding nerdy ‘Street’ lingo:

[C]ondos are to the real estate boom what Internet stocks were to the 1990s bull market. And like the Internet day-traders before them, the new condo flippers, with their talk of instant riches and easy money, are about to become the life of every cocktail party.

And why not? Condo prices have soared 80 percent in the past five years, making the same period’s 40 percent rise for single-family homes look almost pokey. Developers are constructing new condo units at nearly twice the pace they were in 1999, and investors are literally lining up to buy one, two, three or more. In Miami, as much as 75 percent of some condo towers are investor-owned.

No cash? No problem. Banks, with their loosened lending standards, no-money-down loans and teaser mortgage rates, are making it easier than ever to be a mogul-in-training. […]

Mix it all together — rising prices, record levels of construction, fast-and-loose mortgages and swelling ranks of new investors — and you get a market more volatile than Tom Cruise.

And a group of clueless investors dumber than Katie Holmes.

Man, I had no idea finance was this much fun!

I can’t say I’m surprised. Last time I checked wearing a dress didn’t make you an expert on women’s issues:

Hollywood actress Scarlett Johansson is the latest star to slam Tom Cruise’s attack on Brooke Shields for using medication to ease postpartum depression. […]

She says, “I think people have their own right to choose whether or not they want to stop taking a drug.

“I can go into a very lengthy conversation with anyone about a woman’s right to choose and things like that, but I don’t believe in forcing my opinion on people.

“I do believe that, in particular, children are over medicated. But I’ve also known people who’ve taken anti-depressants for a couple of months, and it saves them from what could really be a drastic situation.

“Ruling out something that could legitimately help people seems ignorant.”

I would have gone with my personal favorite: ‘dim-witted’, but I guess ‘ignorant’ works too.

Did you ever stop and wonder what caused those nasty cold sores on Katie’s face?

No?

Fair enough. I didn’t either. But Lloyd Grove did and this is what he found out:

At Lowdown’s request, Manhattan dermatologist Paul Frank examined photographs of the future Mrs. Cruise.

“Although I can’t say for sure, this looks like a cold-sore attack,” Frank said. “Niacin shouldn’t trigger cold sores.”

Well then, what does?

“Stress is the No. 1 cause,” he replied. “God knows Scientology stresses me out!”

Reps for Cruise and Holmes didn’t return phone calls, and a Scientology official said: “Whatever you see on her face has got nothing to do with us. It’s insulting that you would ask such a thing.”

At least now we know that Scientologists aren’t shallow like the rest of L.A.

It’s what’s on the inside that counts, right? Right!